Where to go from here

I’m laid out with a mild fever and I can’t help think it’s a result of stress from thinking too much.

I leave India in a month and I have no plan.

Well, I do have an idea of a plan that involves living in an awesome giant barn with a wheel and a kiln and a jewelry bench and where I can push open the big doors and teach yoga and hold yoga retreats and have a garden and a floor loom to weave awesome yoga mats with the chakras on them. This is what I am going to do. But how??

A few days ago, I sat with one of my colleagues/teacher/friend and asked him to do a Tarot spread (Osho version) for me on this major situation: where do I go from here? The spread that I pulled was super silly…

1. Present moment: I pulled the projections card. Of course. Projections are the clouds that prevent us from seeing reality as it is. What is reality? Reality is not, for example, the economic recession, bills, insurance, having a 9 – 5, although some people will argue to the death that it is. These are just thoughts. In the Yoga Sutras we read that all thoughts break down into 5 categories. Thoughts are fine until we decide to attach to one and claim it as being true; this is what people who claim reality is having a 9 – 5, etc are doing. The category of thought this falls under is ignorance about the true nature of things, not seeing reality as it is. Fearless expression of yourself is ultimate alignment with reality. My fearless expression: being a jewelry making, pottery firing, yoga teaching, gardening inspiration.

2. Resistance: I pulled the Compromise card. I thought this meant that I must give up some aspects of the little hippie life I want in order to be happy or able to move forward…because this is what some people in my life expect of me. HA! Not so! It is one thing to meet another halfway or work towards some type of harmony. It is quite another to “cave in” and betray our own truth. And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing, limiting myself by compromising my fearless expression.

The spread went on to highlight my internal support as sharing: creating an environment where I have an opportunity to share my love, joy and laughter. External support was giving up the illusion that I have control over the external. And ultimately this all leads to maturity, where a solid base is formed from what has been experienced within.

I walk around all day on high alert. Where is my barn? What country is it in? Should I go home? How will I find this amazing barn? This continues on loop all day.

Once we stop holding so tightly onto our thoughts, we can be free.

A moment for reflection

It has been a year since my move out to California.  Here is how my life has developed:

I have learned to stand up for my dreams…aye, my goals.  Even if I didn’t fully believe or live by them at the time, I knew I had to start somewhere, had to just start declaring.  One of the most difficult goals I explored a great deal this year  was learning how to be alone, with my artwork; focused.   I have learned that most Friday and Saturday nights are better spent listening to some good tunes, enjoying a home cooked meal, and working on my art.  Most important was finally recognizing how wretched I would act on a night out drinking with my peers and acknowledging that my brain was simply trying to get my attention, blinking a bright red warning message that screamed “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU SHOULD BE WORKING ON YOUR ART”.  A year ago I was all mixed up and headed down a very long and dark path to nowhere; sure, there was company but, as they say, misery loves company.

In this past year, I made it across the country, settled into a new home, befriended a whole new family who call themselves my “California family” and with them I know I will always be welcome.  I found a job with the craziest of the crazies, moved to Los Angeles, LOS ANGELES, and I am now working at one of the only ceramics studios in the greater L.A. area as a teacher and assistant, making my own art and selling it (www.siximposserousthings.etsy.com).  This weekend, I am putting together a sidewalk sale for the studio and next weekend I am creating my own art opening/gallery in my garden.  IN MY GARDEN.  How many people did I tell in the past year that I was going to have a garden? A ton. Plus a while mess of strangers.

The most important lesson learned: My family is proud of me and they support me – words can’t even hope to describe what that means to me.

On being scared:  I get scared ALL the time.  But I read over this last paragraph and there is nothing I should be disappointed about, nothing I feel I would go back and change.  It is a scary and often lonely road, the road you create, but it is worth it. 100%.